The Blog of BumRite Diapers

6/01/2010

When does the madness end? And do I want it to?

I am tired.  I am fired up.  I am exhausted and irritable.  I am on top of the world!   I need a break.

During any given day, these are the thoughts that constantly jog through my head.

After a 5 day stint of running a household, trying to sell a house, mothering, and running a business without Dad around, I've been fantasizing about a weekend get-away:

One where I check myself in to a hotel with a pile of magazines and a good book.  I visit the spa, get a rubdown, and sweat in the sauna (followed by a cold shower).  Then I order some awesome vegetarian meal and have it delivered to my room.  With dessert.  And a bottle of sparkling wine.  The next morning, I wake up when I wake up.  I have food delivered.  I read.  I sleep.  I meditate.  I stretch.  I journal.  Then I go to an outdoor pool and swim a mile.  Or two.  Head under water.  Breathing rhythmically.  Me and my body.

Just thinking about it calms me.  But I think I will check the last minute hotel deals after I am done writing.  Or maybe I will just announce that Mommy is having a Spa Day in her room ALL DAY.  Do Not Disturb.

I haven't had a break since Boden was born March 11, 2009.

I might break.

I signed up for a beginner's meditation class - and missed the first two sessions.  Completely forgot about them in the madness of the day.

I used to hate the gym.  Now it is my salvation.  It represents a gift to myself.  A moment to concentrate on me.  But why don't I go?  Work.  Bodie has a runny nose.  Tired.  Diapers to pack.  Excuses, really.


I turn 38 this month, but still think that I am the girl who would bike 10 miles to Alki Beach from North Seattle, pick up 3 hours of doubles beach volleyball, bike 10 miles home...and return to Alki the next morning at 8am to play in an all-day Doubles Beach VBall tournament with a girl she just met the day before.  Then she would go home, shower, and meet her friends for dinner on Capital Hill.  Exhausted.  Content.

Do I mourn those days?  Let me think.

That life, and my current life cannot be compared.  And it would be futile to do so. 

Marriage and a family are a different kind of thrill.  It isn't the same adrenaline rush as spiking a ball down in front of the 10' line.  It comes on slowly.  In the quiet of the evening.  When the family has gone to bed.

Do I like refereeing the spats between the boys?  Grocery shopping?  Thinking about what to feed the family day in and day out?  Cleaning?  Picking up toys (again and again and again)?  Not really.

If that is all I did - if I didn't have BumRite Diapers - I might actually break.  I tried to be a Stay At Home Mom for 4.5 years.  I went to counseling.  I took anti-depressants.  I tried a Part-Time job pouring wine at a local winery.  But the way I am wired, I have to work.  I have to be in control.  I have to juggle 10 balls in the air at once.  (This revelation cost at least a $grand in therapy).

It has taken me over 5 years - since the birth of son #1 - to figure out what to do next.

Who knew I would find my happiness wrapped up in reusable organic cotton diapers?!

I am tired.  I am fired up.  I am exhausted and irritable.  I am on top of the world!   I need a break.

I don't want the madness to end.

Look at what it produced:

Cam and Boden returning from an all day pool party




















5 comments:

  1. good post, love. go to the gym.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great Blog! I know just how you feel. I hate the gym, I love the gym. I don't want to stop, I HAVE to stop! This blog so exemplifies exactly how I am feeling right now, except for the whole loving the job thing. That, I wish I had. I do what I do because it is here and I am good at it. But love it, not even close. Great blog!

    ReplyDelete
  3. That picture says it all!!!!! Holding hands while they nap, that is too precious!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I understand - it's all too much! And it's all fantastic and so worth it....

    AND your boys are just gorgeous ..

    Bravo Angela! We all want you to have a spa day - so do it please.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you all for your comments. I try to be as open and brutally honest as possible. I have been reading this blog over and over and it really helps me. It is so therapeutic to write.
    I didn't check into a hotel...but had a great talk with my husband. He brought me lunch the next day, made me an awesome Mint Mojito at night. Took the boys to bagels in the morning - and brought me one with a hot cup of coffee - in BED. I worked all day on Saturday while he watched the boys. I caught up on work.
    Now I have energy for my family. And feel SO MUCH better.
    I have a great husband.

    ReplyDelete

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The BumRite Diapers BLOG

It started with reading The Diary of Anne Frank when I was 11 years old. I have 20 hand-written diaries locked in a safe in my basement. Now I am taking my musings on-line and semi-scripted to complement my cloth diaper website http://www.bumritediapers.com.

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